When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
