I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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