so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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