so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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