i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
