When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
