I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
