Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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