Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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