I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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