He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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