and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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