for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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