just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
