He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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