mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
