I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
