I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
zippers are such a cool invention
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize