If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
