If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
