Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
