So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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