I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize