He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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