I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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