Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
