I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Barsexuality is the new black.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
