I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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