Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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