She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
