I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
