when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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