We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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