im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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