I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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