I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize