ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
