We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
