what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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