I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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