Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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