What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
