I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
