I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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