does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
