I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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