So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
