i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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