Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
4 words: hood of his car
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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