I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
