yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
