Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
