You work out of a Hotel?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
