I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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