I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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